


As You Are

by youaremysky



Series: Just Longguo & Shihyun things [3]
Category: JBJ (Band), Produce 101 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Universe, Cheating, Hinted past - Donghan / Sihyun, Implied Sexual Content, Inspired by Real Events, M/M, Sad with a Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-27
Updated: 2017-11-18
Packaged: 2019-01-25 05:54:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12524496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youaremysky/pseuds/youaremysky
Summary: Just you and I, I don't know how we do it.- U & I by Royal Pirates





	1. Baby,

**Author's Note:**

> another part to this universe!  
> this will be a 2 part story and it hurt me to write but I feel like it's something that needs to be said about this topic.
> 
> again, unedited and unbeta'd so bear with me this time when reading.
> 
> also the lyric in the summary actually has nothing to do with the story. I just couldn't think of a good enough summary LOL ENJOY

"….something wrong, hyung?"

"Nnn." The arms around his waist got tighter.

"Okay." And Shihyun went back to tending their breakfast. The eggs were nearly done and all he had left was the jam for their toast. "You know," he tried to start slowly in case Yongguk let go, "I don't mind this."

_But you don't like skinship._

But he didn't know that Yongguk would be back after his radio show either so what does Shihyun know?

When no response came, Shihyun tried to laugh it off and tried to get the other to move.

"Come off. I need to get the jam. I got that one you like." That immediately got Yongguk to pry off of the younger and went straight to the fridge to get the jam.

The two of them got themselves settled down with their simple breakfast of scrabbled eggs, a bowl of rice, and some sausage on the side. It was a nice touch of a Western style meal that Shihyun knew the other liked to have sometimes. And like that, they began to eat.

It was a comfortable silence for the first couple minutes but like the food being devoured, Shihyun's unspoken questions were filling his head.

_When will you leave me again?_

 

"Shihyun, let's watch a movie."

"Okay, hyung."

Their late breakfast sat on their table abandoned as Yongguk's arms wrapped around the younger under the blanket. It was some horror movie with a clown but that isn't what caught Shihyun's attention.

It was the words that slipped out of the other's mouth that did.

"Me and Kenta kissed yesterday."

Shihyun wanted to think that Yongguk was feeling regretful but as he laid across his couch in the other's arms, it made him feel…kind of shitty. But what made him feel worse was that the older didn't stop talking.

He only started talking faster.

"Donghan yelled at me after. We kind of had a fight and I left the dorm. We were just sitting around on his bed playing a card game since Sanggyun was in the living room watching something. I don't know what came over me. It just happened and a-and"

_Oh please no_

"Shihyun, I'm sorry-"

"Do you still love me?" 

There wasn't a pause in response this time.

"O-Of course I do. The kiss was a mistake-"

"Stop."

At this point, Shihyun paused the movie and looked at the other with uncertainty. Yongguk wouldn't look up at all and it made Shihyun feel shittier because the older knows that Shihyun doesn't like tension.

It just seemed so pointless for them.

The younger reached out and cupped the other's face in his hands, pulling the male's head up.

"Yongguk, look at me. Please.." The desperateness in Shihyun's voice broke his own heart. He wasn't mad at Yongguk for what happened but he thought that they were stronger than this. When he saw the teary eyes, it was like seeing rejection in a million glass orbs just falling away and he didn't know how to make it stop. 

_How do I make you stop crying?_

"Shihyun, do you still want to be with me?"


	2. I'm Still I'm By Your Side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shihyun knew just as much as Yongguk did, and it wasn't a lot. But they believed.
> 
> They believed in each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as you can see, I extended the story and changed the rating. I felt like it was better suited since there is going to be an implied sex scene but there isn't going to be any scene of that, just the aftermath
> 
> also there's something I want to mention. Yes, Donghan and Shihyun had a past relationship? Or just feelings that never really went anywhere so there's this kind of one sided feelings that Donghan has towards Shihyun.
> 
> again this is unedited and unbeta'd so I hope you'll bear with me today on that too

Yongguk wouldn't look at Shihyun when he left the apartment. Silence fell on them after the breakdown and within 10 minutes, the younger was already putting his boots on. 

It just hurt too much to stay anymore. 

Shihyun took one last glance at the other still sitting on the couch. His back faced him now as he played on his phone and that was the last that Shihyun remembered.

_I just didn't know what to say to you anymore._

 

His feet felt heavy as he pushed off to swing higher. There wasn't a lot of people out on a Sunday afternoon but the voices were still there. The sound of content feelings that always fell through the breeze every time.

_like we used to be_

Shihyun slowed down when he felt his phone vibrate against his chest, but only sighed when he saw who called. Donghan really had a knack for these types of situations.

"Hey- Yeah I'm okay. I know he went back to the dorm. He texted me." The male listened on his friend's worries about him, but sometimes he couldn't help but feel sorry. People shouldn't have to worry about him.

"I'm really okay, Donghan. We're just…taking a break." Shihyun did feel hurt about what happened. The insecurites he had for weeks now just rose up but he couldn't get mad at Yongguk. Instead he felt disappointed in himself, in the both of them.

When the call ended, Shihyun just sat on the swing and looked towards his shoes. The tears that swelled up in his eyes never came because he knew.

The problem wasn't just the kiss. It was them.

 

"You said that you went back to the dorm."

Seeing Yongguk standing at the front door fully dressed in loose clothing with an unreadbale expression almost made Shihyun upset. Almost.

"I was hoping that you'd go out with me tonight," was all he got as a reply from the other before getting dragged out of the apartment. It was only 5 pm now so going out seemed alright (the younger didn't realize how long he was out). The offer was innocent enough but given their circumstances, Shihyun didn't know if this was right.

_But what do I know anyway?_

 

Thinking back on it, they never really fought. It was the little things they bickered about like whose toothbrush was whose when they first moved in (they both had generic red ones) or who was going to clean the litter box on Tuesdays after practice. Even when they got together, their bickering only grew less and less each day. Except today was their first fight and they were both clearly ignoring it.

With JBJ debuting recently and being somewhat popular, Yongguk couldn't go out to overly crowded places. They were still celebrities with an overall upstanding image. But this was really too much.

"A club? Really?" Shihyun leered at the older and gave the most bewildered expression he could muster. The only reply he got in return was a shrug and another tug of his hand pulling him down the dirty stairs.

The inside of the establishment was nicer than most with nothing reeking of vomit or cheap perfume. Everyrhing felt more spacious and people can easily move through without brushing up against a stranger. Shihyun looked at the purple and pink hues of the club lights and how they danced to the music on command. Everything around him occupied his senses and it clung to his skin tighter than his clothes.

"Do you like it?" Shihyun didn't get the chance to answer before he was pulled onto the dance floor.

Now if there wasn't anything more true, it's the fact that neither of them know how to dance properly. The younger remembers this one time they were asked to freestyle during dance lessons and he swears his trainer glared at the two of them when they finished. Their clothing even stood out more here (except Yongguk wearing a simple white shirt and skinny jeans seemed okay enough) so the latter couldn't help but feel embarrassed around these people. It wasn't like them to do this, especially Yongguk because it was out of his comfort zone.

But if there was anything the two of them knew themselves, it was each other. Shihyun doesn't know why they're here. He doesn't know why Yongguk wanted to come here tonight with him looking like this while they're fighting. But none of it mattered the way the older looks at him is glossed with affection the way hands start moving to his waist.

_I never noticed how young Yongguk looked_

His body moved closer and he let his head bury itself into Yongguk's neck. Shihyun felt the soft kisses feather his hair as they danced to the music.

Under these purple and pink lights, it was more beautiful than ever.

 

'Something new I guess,' Shihyun mused to himself as they laid on his bed. His room was a mess of clothes everywhere and half his pillows on the floor now. He could've laughed out loud how childish this seemed.

Yet it made him frown instead.

A sudden instance of "should have's" began imploring into his head and it made him feel sick. They didn't stay at the club long. They didn't drink or ate anything strange as far as he knew. But here they are running away from their problems in each other because it's what they did.

"I can hear you thinking." Yongguk should've been sleeping.

"Good. Then you know what I'm about to say to you." They never suited being bitter people and it made Shihyun want to cry.

"You don't want to forgive me."

"I'm not supposed to."

"Are you actually mad that me and Kenta kissed?"

"I'm mad that I'm just going to forgive you for it."

This made Yongguk sit up and look at the other with the most confused face but Shihyun knew he sounded crazy for it.

"Hyung, hear me out-"

"You're insane."

Maybe Shihyun was. Normal couples would break up after someone cheated but here he is with his heart and still handing it over to a man who less than 24 hours ago kissed someone that wasn't him.

"Would you ever kiss him again?" came out softly and there wasn't an immediate response. It wasn't right for Shihyun to bring out his insecurities like this but once he felt the bare chest against his naked back, he wanted to. He wanted to make the other feeling guilty. He wanted to yell about how shitty he feels because he thought Yongguk was going to leave him.

Instead he got a mumbled 'no' against his neck and that calmed Shihyun down. When he felt his body move to lay down on top of the other's chest, he heard the thumping. It was frightening how fast it was compared to his.

"You haven't been sleeping well. I see your bags." He was starting to fall asleep.

"And you haven't been eating much. You usually finish breakfast but today you didn't.." The hand caressing his hair felt so soft.

The last thing he heard was "I love you" before Shihyun drifted off.

He wanted to believe it.

 

When morning came, so did Donghan standing at the front door with a plastic bag in hand.

Shihyun felt bad where he was and how he looked wearing one of Yongguk's hoodies and some boxers only. If his friend was hurt, he didn't show it.

"These are for him. There's some snacks for the both of you and I-I didn't know if you guys drank or anything but there's pills too." The white bag was thrusted into Shihyun's face and he couldn't reject it.

Donghan was really the best at hiding his feelings and the both of them knew that very well.

They said their goodbyes with a calm disposition but the last thing that his friend said put Shihyun off.

The bag was dropped off on the dinner table as the male moved back to his bedroom. He slipped back under the blanket where Yongguk's back faced his face. Only then, he started to cry.

 

_Donghan looked straight at Shihyun with a serious expression. "He only loves you, you know. He wasn't happy after he did it and he blames himself for it. I know you'll forgive him anyway but I just wanted you to know that he'll only ever look at you."_

 

_I know now, Donghan. I know._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next chapter to this will be the last one in Yongguk's point of view.
> 
> If you enjoyed this one then leave a comment? Or yell at me or something on my twitter: @kji_san (All I do is retweet JBJ stuff and the occasional Daehwi and SF9 love)
> 
> thank you for reading and I hope you have a lovely day today.


	3. Keep Me With You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If time could stop now,  
> where Yongguk was running to his dreams,  
> back to Shihyun,  
> where all of he could go away,
> 
> he thought he'd be happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> un'beta and not proofread

Yongguk closed the curtain after he saw Shihyun cross the street and began preparing to go back to the JBJ dorm.

'I'm going back now.' Sent at 2:13 PM

His footsteps pattered across the floor as he got ready but with some resentment starting to settle in. He didn't _want_ to leave, but he felt like he had to.

And it sucked.

 

"You shouldn't be here."

The JBJ dorm was quiet but it wasn't unexpected since yesterday's incident. Something was off, and Yongguk knew it wasn't about what happened. Still, Chinese man scoffed slightly, almost like a smile, and looked back at his member to reply. "I live here too, Sanggyun. Don't-"

"No, hyung. You're running away from something and that's not like you. You wait for things to settle and-"

"And what Sanggyun? And what?"

"And you'll go back to Shihyun, just like always."

Yongguk couldn't say anything. He didn't know how to when he was faced with the truth. Not this time, he can't.

The amount of times that Yongguk left to go back to his Choon dorm was countable on his hand alone, but it shouldn't be like that at all. It was a mere seven months away being at this dorm with his JBJ team but it's only been two and he kept leaving. Everyone was already feeling at home so what was it?

He heard Sanggyun's tired sigh and the scratching of his shirt. Curiously, he watched as the other reach over and grab his bag from his hands.

"If you're going to stay here, then you can't keep leaving like that. We're a team that needs to stick together. We're...we're your friends. I know you miss Shihyun, but do you think it's good for him either?"

It wasn't like Sanggyun was wrong. Yongguk knows. He knows all of this already and the guilt showed across his face.

_I know it's not right._

"Did you apologize yet?"

Donghan's appearance and voice overcame the serious conversation going on in the living room. It was the ever glaring against Yongguk's whole being.

"Did you even tell him that you love him today? Last night? When was the last time you told him that you love him?"

"I gotta go-"

"Don't come back until you do."

 

Neither one of them had an issue with their silence. Although Shihyun was more likely to initiate conversation, they weren't the type to be so vocal about themselves unless necessary (or sometimes completely irrelevant in Yongguk's place). It wasn't a need to talk but just a want to be wrapped in each other's presence. But there wasn't a moment where they felt more uncomfortable until now.

Their taxi drove them to Itaewon and the silence between them began to echo through and through in the older's ears. He felt bitter, sure, and he hoped that his plan would make the silence go away

even for a little while.

 

The way the tips of Shihyun's hair sprakled under the intense club lights mesmerized Yongguk. It reminded him of fairies and the way the beams shined on the other was like coloful kisses from the sun. Every sound dulled out and the too many people around started blurring out in a foggy filter. They shared soft wisps of hums and moans with the way the younger pulled himself closer. Nothing felt appropriate about this but Shihyun made him forget that.

Hours ago, he wanted to ask the other how he was doing. He wanted to talk about what would become of them. All the guilt that Yongguk held in him ate away at his core, but the kisses made it go away. It was just good to have his lover with him where he was beautiful.

And Shihyun was just that: so beautiful.

 

"Yongguk, I.."

"Do…do you want to…tonight?"

_Something desperate, something blue, but also_

"Please, please.." 

_something pure_

They shared so few kisses throughout their relationship, but now they just let their presence swallow each other up the more they spent time together. It was the least he could do for Shihyun who deserved so much better, and he knew it would never be enough. Yongguk only hoped that this time would be enough. He hoped that these kisses and caresses would be enough.

Yongguk held onto the other so closely, hoping that maybe his heart can be heard. It's all that he wanted right now.

_I'm sorry for making you feel so lonely around me._

"I love you…so much, Shihyun."

 

"Toothbrush?"  
"Yes."  
"Comb?"  
"I have it."  
"Hoodie? It's-"  
"It's cold outside. I know."  
"What do you _really_ know, Yongguk-ssi?"

When Shihyun was done fixing his hair ("Your hair sucks. Did you know _that?"_ ), the Chinese man wrapped his arms around the other's frame. He let out an inaudible sigh at the way his boyfriend placed his soft chin on his shoulder.

They wanted to stay like this.

"You have to go back now," came out softly against his neck. This time Yongguk didn't let himself cling tighter. He just pressed gentle kisses to the other's hair instead. He pretended that he didn't feel Shihyun gasp.

They stood glued like this for another minute before the younger pryed himself away.

"Stay safe, okay?" _When will you be back?_

Yongguk flashed a gummy smile and reached out to ruffle his boyfriend's hair. It made the both of them laugh before his hand was swatted away. He slipped his hand into his pockets and finally answered back, "I'll try to be home for Christmas but I don't know with award season coming up."

The way Shihyun looked at him with the slightly widened eyes before slipping into a warm gaze touched something inside of Yongguk. The matching smile wasn't less than graceful either and that didn't help.

It never did.

 

"Where you headed?" the scruffy voice immediately asked when Yongguk got into the taxi, backpack in hand. With one last stare at the apartment building out the window, he smiled then turned away without another glance.

His world felt at ease now.

"The address is..."

 

_I...love you too, Yongguk._

_I know. I'll come home soon._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the final chapter for this one. I apologize for not updating earlier. I had a lot of issues that came up when writing this and also I was going through a very tough time with my family and my personal relationships. I'm a lot better now though so I'll keep writing frequently again!
> 
> if you enjoyed this, leave a comment. Thank you so much for reading.

**Author's Note:**

> please leave a comment if you enjoyed the story. I appreciate them very much.
> 
> This was based on an experience I had in a previous relationship. How that ended up, well, I'm not in a relationship with that person anymore lol  
> However this did give me another perspective as an experience and as a person so something came out of it.
> 
> thank you for reading and I hope you have a wonderful day!


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